My Idea of the Perfect submissive
A person who surrenders control of herself to her Dominant. The submissive, while putty in the hands of a Dominant whom she trusts and respects, is likely to be independent and assertive in any other arena. Her sexual submissive nature makes her no more vulnerable to any one other than her Dominant.
Submission is the act of surrendering some or all of ones personal power to another person. It's allowing someone else to control your body and behavior within certain preset limits. This must be a willing act on the part of the submissive or the boundaries of abuse have been crossed. The methods and levels of submission are infinite. Each person must decide how much and how far this exchange of power will go but the rules of "safe, sane and consensual" must always apply.
Being a new submissive isn't for the faint of heart. It requires you to be quick on your feet, intelligent and willing to do some work to learn who you are and what this lifestyle is all about. Only the very foolish rush in blind and hope to keep from making some major mistakes. There are a lot of very unscrupulous people who are just waiting their chance to take advantage of the inexperienced, novice submissive.
You need to know your rights, limits, safety issues, and a little information to help you fit into this new world. Learn how to protect yourself from injury, illness and abuse before you become involved in any serious D/s relationships or activities. This lifestyle isn't dangerous or threatening. Only the people who misuse it are. Your goal in this lifestyle should lead you to keep "Safe, Sane and Consensual ? and it should be one of your guidelines as you explore this new realm. It simply means that you have every right to remain safe from harm, physically and emotionally.
The emotional part is sometimes much harder to protect. New submissives often wear their hearts on their sleeves. What seemed like only "playing" to a Dominant can often be interpreted as much more to a submissive who has surrendered her heart as well as her body. I see this as one of the hazards of "scening parties." You may enjoy the thrill of experiencing some of these new activities with the local party Dom/me and leave with all you body parts in tact, but what price will it extract from your heart and emotional state? It works for some but many others form bonds all to quickly and feel abandoned when their scene partner moves on to the next starry-eyed novice.
Anything that happens to you must be consensual. This means you do not have to do anything you don't feel comfortable with. Don't fall for these old lines; "You have to do what I say because you're submissive" or "If you were really submissive you'd want to please me." They're not true and I'd question any Dominant who used any line that resembled them. Your submission is a gift and gifts are given, not taken or demanded. Make sure you know exactly what's expected of you in any situation. Don't be afraid to ask questions and consider the answers carefully. You have the right to discuss all activities you participate in with your potential partner. This is called "scene negotiation" and it's done by even the most experienced submissives before engaging in anything from a simple spanking or bondage scene to a highly erotic scene involving sexual activity. If you're unsure of what you've been asked to do, don't do it.
If you asked a hundred submissives why they do this you'd probably get a hundred different answers. For some it's a way to add a little more excitement to their love life. For others there may be deep, psychological reasons that go beyond our ability to understand. I believe there are three distinct types individuals who fall into the definition of submissive. Having looked deeply into the subject, I believe there are three types of personalities that desire to submit.
The sexual submissive. This type of submissive is into it mainly for the sexual gratification derived from some of the activities practiced in Submission is the act of surrendering some or all of ones personal power to another person. It's allowing BDSM. Once their needs are met they no longer feel a need to submit or surrender any other personal power or control.
The psychological submissive. This group contains many of the masochistic submissives. They are into it for the pain, punishment and humiliation often inflicted on them by more sadistic Dominants. Many
abused individuals often end up in this category and are not actually submissives but may have emotional problems that keep them in the "victim" mode because of their previous experiences.
The natural submissive. Also called "true submissive". This type of individual seems to have been born submissive. It goes beyond the sexual aspects of the BDSM and is a normal part of their makeup. It is their nature to please others and readily relinquish their personal power with little or no urging from their Dominant.
All of them or none of them, are right or wrong. Each person must do what is right and fulfilling for them. There have been countless, needless argument over who is and who is not a "real" submissive.
Some start out as a sensual sub with little interest in pleasing anyone but themselves and end up growing into some of the most beautiful submissives in our lifestyle. It's not the right of anyone to judge who is and isn't submissive based on what activities satisfy them or how many scars or piercings they may have. Submission is a condition of the heart and only the individual knows what is in theirs.
Just because she is a submissive does not mean that she is into BDSM. Domination/submission is a description of a lifestyle. BD and SM are two things people do. Some D/s couples readily accept these two activities as part of their relationship but a large percent of D/s couples do not embrace activities that are based on giving or receiving pain.
So what separates the masochist from the submissive? The answer would have to be motivation. A submissive is motivated by the desire to please and to serve. When pain becomes necessary for satisfaction or fulfillment, the relationship has moved beyond my definition of the D/s lifestyle and had moved more toward S/M. When pain becomes the motivation and gratification comes from receiving pain, the person could best be described as a masochist. This difference is often evident in the behavior of these two types of personalities. A SAM (Smart Ass Masochist) deliberately misbehaves or challenges their Dominant in order to receive the punishment (pain or humiliation) they crave. Outside the confines of a scene or other
sexual encounter there may be very little submission evidenced in the relationship. A submissive (one who desires to submit) is constantly striving to improve their behavior in order to please their Dominant by surrendering to his/her rules and expectations. Submission, in the confines of a D/s relationship, is not measured by the amount of pain one can endure, instead it is measured by the amount of control one has relinquished to their Dominant. Now, if the Dominant enjoys a little misbehavior in order to give a spanking or a punishment then that is a different matter and the submissive chooses, once again, to please within their limits.
Just keep in mind that pain or bondage are not the basis for determining a Dominant/submissive relationship. It's based on a power exchange and not the trappings of the people involved. Don't automatically assume all submissives want or need to feel discomfort or pain (beyond erotic pain) to experience submissive tendencies and desire to relinquish control.
Submission is not a sign of weakness or inferiority. Some of the strongest, most successful people in our society are submissive in their personal relationships.
Submission does not indicate lack of intelligence or motivation. Most submissives are very intelligent, creative and are highly motivated people.
Submission is not a hidden desire for pain or humiliation. Some masochistic people may turn to the D/s or BDSM lifestyle in order to fulfill their needs for these things but there are many more gentle, loving individuals who are quite happy not to receive either humiliation or pain.
Submission is not the same as passivity. Submissives are not passive. They participate actively and are thinking individuals.
Submission is not something that can be demanded or forced. The definition of the word means it is a willing act. A submissive submits because they have chosen to do so, not because someone forced them.
Submission is not a miserable state of existence. Most submissives are happy, well balanced people who are simply fulfilling their nature.
Submission is not slavery. All slaves are submissive but not all submissives are slaves. A submissive has not given up their right to choose but has given some of those choices to another to make for them. They have input into their relationship and maintain their identity.
Submission does not indicate sexual promiscuity. Submissives are not sex crazed nymphomaniacs who cannot control their drives. Most are husbands or wives, mothers or fathers, friends, neighbors, workers, or family members who have a need to relinquish control of some aspects of their lives to someone they trust. It isn't a sex thing...it's a condition of the heart.